There are two kinds of people in the world (well, there are those who are prone to utter categorizations such as ‘There are two kinds of people in the world’ and then there’s everyone else, but for the purpose of this exercise, please bear with me): There are the Leslie Knopes of the world, all roaring ambition and ruthless efficiency, who feel that “calzones are pointless. They’re just pizza that’s harder to eat.” And then, there is her bête noire (or life partner, oxymoronic as that might sound) Ben Wyatt, whose love for the Italian pocket of joy was a running gag in the show, Parks and Recreation.
Why does this matter? Your correspondent tried to channel his inner Ben at the Bread and Circus: The Calzone Edition virtual fundraiser hosted by the Firefly Theatre in collaboration with Get Cooking, last Friday.
Kathryn Joel, founder of Get Cooking, shepherded the amateur chefs for the evening and cleared the first apple of discord — the ‘e’ in the humble calzone is stretched out, like how you’d pronounce Monet. Which means that Ben Wyatt’s speciality restaurant — the low-cal calzone zone — is a non-starter.
The first step to making a calzone is kneading the dough, and adding in the yeast to help your flour rise. You have to be careful about the measurements though — there’s nothing worse than bread that’s too yeasty. There is, however, a special joy in seeing the kneaded dough puff up to almost twice its size when you allow it to rest.
With the dough ready, it was time to sauté the filling. The $100 all-inclusive kit included two key fillings: Swiss chards and four different types of mushrooms. I added some prosciutto to give it a meaty kick.
By this time, one had fallen well behind the online class and the Zoom session shifted from Joel’s culinary masterclass to the festivities for the night, which included a host of circus performers: Caitlin Mader (Corde Lisse), Kate Ryan (Hula Hoops), Jay Flair (Magic), Stephanie Gruson (Aerial Silks), and VIVA Dance put on a dazzling display while Firefly’s creative director Annie Dugan emceed the show with wit live from the Production World studio. I only caught glimpses as I sautéed the filling, allowed it to cool down and then mixed in the three cheeses — ricotta, mozzarella and parmesan.
With the dough and the filling ready, all that was left was to shape and fill the pie. Without a rolling pin, I improvised with a pint glass to stretch out the dough, add the filling and neatly fold it over.
As one lined the calzones on the baking sheet and put it into the oven, one’s mind turned to George Costanza.
For any fan of Seinfeld, certain foods always divert your attention to the hit 1990s sitcom. A Cinnamon Babka. The Big Salad. The Marble Rye. Non-Fat Yogurt. And, of course, the Calzone, which was the title of a Season 7 episode that had all the ingredients, if you pardon the pun, of a classic Seinfeld show — there was George in a spot of bother, a villainous Newman appearance, Kramer being all hipster doofus-ish, and even a Larry David vocal appearance as the fictionalized voice of late New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner.
And just then the oven bell rang. The calzone was ready. You don’t need me to tell you what I watched while I gorged on the delicious pie.
